


The Use of Feeling

by ailixandrite2dot0 (AILiSeki)



Series: Indigo AU [7]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Character Swap, Episode: s04e13 Steven’s Dream, Episode: s04e17 That Will Be All, Episode: s05e02 The Trial, Fake Character Death (mentioned), Gen, Momswap AU, Roleswap, other people show up but they are the main ones
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-30
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:40:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23932450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AILiSeki/pseuds/ailixandrite2dot0
Summary: Steven’s impressions of Pink Diamond the few times he met her before learning the truth about Indigo Diamond.
Relationships: Pink Diamond & Sapphire (Steven Universe), Pink Diamond & Yellow Diamond (Steven Universe)
Series: Indigo AU [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1637512
Kudos: 18
Collections: Steven Universe Mom swap/Role swap AUs





	The Use of Feeling

**Author's Note:**

> Words can’t tell how excited I am to post this! These scenes were some of the first ones I planned back when I was writing “The gem we make together” but I knew there was much more I wanted to show before getting here. And now we’re here! This was actually written before my last published fics.

Before Indigo Diamond emerged, Pink Diamond had been the newest of them.

There was a time in which that made Indigo believe Pink was the one Diamond who could understand her. They used to be close, much closer than Indigo was with any of the older Diamonds. Pink had a playful side to her that Indigo loved. When Pink had free time, they would play together, she would show the youngest Diamond some funny tricks and sometimes they even played pranks on Yellow and White.

Their relationship died, at least for Indigo, the day she received her first big scolding. The Diamonds were tired of Indigo spending time with lower gems, treating them as equals, going against every principle of gemkind. Indigo expected Pink to defend her, surely she knew how lonely she felt, surely she remembered her own days as the youngest, before she could conquer her own worlds. But Pink had been as disappointed in her as the others. And then came the tower.

That day changed both Diamonds deeply. Indigo’s loneliness grew bigger than she thought possible, and her feelings froze in an ice that centuries later a Ruby would work hard to melt. The special trust and admiration she had for Pink died.

Something inside of Pink also wilted, though she would take much longer to notice it.

* * *

When Pink was still newly-emerged, she passed through an embarrassing phase. Yellow had been at a loss for what to do, while White simply said it was to be expected, with how _pink_ she was. All that warmth had to find a way to manifest.

Pink was the most emotional of the Diamonds. She was nothing like Yellow with her seriousness or White with her cold mask. She felt everything, deeply, and she never held back. She laughed loudly and cried uglily, she was a fun companion and a passionate lover. Her feelings were so strong that she couldn’t hold them all in herself. So she spread a pink aura, which shared them with every gem around.

Centuries and many embarrassing situations later, Pink learned how to keep her aura under control, so that her gems could work without it distracting them, and so that she could be a more proper Diamond.

It wasn’t until long after Indigo had emerged that Pink’s aura made a comeback, stronger and twisted.

If Pink wasn’t a Diamond and so she didn’t believe she was perfect, if she admitted that something was wrong with her, she would blame the whole situation on Indigo. Pink’s aura was always stronger when Indigo was around, or even when she was mentioned, and it had never been so… malicious before. Back when Pink was newly-emerged, her aura used to spread all sorts of feelings with no distinction. Now, it spread mostly negative feelings, and even the positive ones were twisted. Pink’s happiness made the gems around her laugh uncontrollably, made them careless, but it was empty, as they felt no real joy. Her anger made them self-destructive. And of course, her sadness made them weep.

It only got worse when Earth happened. Pink was the Diamond most visibly affected by Indigo’s loss, and she entered a depressive mourning period that would last all of Era 2.

She became unbearable to be near, as any wrong word could make all gems in the room cry to the point they couldn’t even see what was in front of them. No one dared to complain, of course, afraid of angering her with the disrespect to herself and to Indigo’s memory. So her gems suffered in silence, and even Yellow had to deal with a lot of pain to stay by her side during this time.

* * *

Steven was hit by a wave of sadness. It was just like his dream: the broken blue palanquin, and a feeling of loss and helplessness and pure sadness, as tears poured from his eyes. His father looked at him, worried. Steven couldn’t explain what was going on, he had no idea why that place made him feel that way. Those feelings were intense and unlike anything he ever experienced before.

Then he saw her. The giant pink gem kneeling in front of the palanquin, weeping. Her hair was curly and she wore a long dress with puffy sleeves. Steven had never seen her, but he knew who she was even before she opened her eyes.

_Pink Diamond_.

Did the gems know she would be there? Was that why they didn’t want him to come?

“Indigo…” Pink Diamond cried. “Why did it have to be this way? I should have done more…”

Steven felt more tears falling, and things started making sense.

“Who is that?” Greg whispered to him.

“I think… my dreams… I was seeing through her eyes?” For how long did she stay there, crying?

Over Indigo Diamond. The gem his mother shattered.

Steven quickly hid behind the bush, just in the time to not be spotted by the smaller, skinny pale pink gem wearing her hair in two buns that approached. It must be Pink Diamond’s Pearl.

“What?” Pink Diamond asked, her tears stopping for a moment as she raised her eyes in the other gem’s direction.

“I think I heard something.” The other gem said. She even sounded like Pearl, though she sounded more tired. She looked tired too, or as much as a gem could look tired.

Pink Diamond wiped at her eyes and stood up. “If _she_ sent someone after me again, I don’t know what I will do.”

Steven felt a shiver. Unfortunately, it was too late for Greg to hide with him.

“Heeey.” He awkwardly greeted the Pearl.

“It’s just a human, my Diamond.”

“A human?” Pink Diamond asked, turning around and walking to where her Pearl stood.

Steven just wanted to grab his Dad and run. But he didn’t need his future vision to know that if he did so, Pink Diamond would see him, and she certainly wouldn’t be too happy when she realized just who he was.

(It was a good thing he didn’t need his future vision to know it, because he was too tense to see anything right now. He doubted it would work even if he tried, as his powers tended to be unreliable still.)

Pink Diamond kneeled down, her eyes fixated on Greg.

“Hey there, your…Highness?”

Her lips curled up for just a moment.

“What is a human doing in a place like this?”

“Huh, I… I was around?” Greg sweated as he tried to think of any coherent words.

Pink Diamond nodded. “You have no idea of where you are, do you?” She paused, but not for long enough for Greg to answer. “Of course you don’t. On this planet, nothing ever stays the same. Every time I come here, this place looks less like what it used to be. Soon, there will be nothing left to prove that here is where she was broken.”

Steven had to cover his mouth to keep from gasping. This was where Indigo Diamond was…? So that’s why the gems never brought him here.

“Were you close?” Greg asked.

“Very.” A new tear fell from Pink Diamond’s eyes, and a new one also fell from Steven’s eyes.

_Who is doing this, me or her?_ , Steven silently wondered.

“I-I’m awfully sorry. I know how hard it is to move on when you’ve lost someone.”

“You do?” Pink Diamond’s eyes widened, and Steven could feel her genuine surprise.

“I lost someone very important to me, too,” Greg explained. “I miss her every single day, and I think about her all the time. But she’s never coming back. That feeling can be so hard to be okay with.”

The tear that fell from Steven’s eyes hearing that was his own, not Pink Diamond’s. He knew his Dad could only be talking about his Mom, and that hit him. He couldn’t say he felt the same way because he never even knew her, but he felt her absence and it hurt in its own kind of way.

_Even after learning she did this_ , he thought sadly as Pink Diamond’s tears started again.

“How wonderful, that a human like you could understand how I feel.” Pink Diamond said, as Steven felt something warm on his chest for a moment. It was replaced by sadness, but a different sadness from before. It was also mixed with…pity? “But what does it matter? Soon this planet will be gone…” A new feeling appeared, something warm, that made Steven feel strong. Strong enough to jump in there to rescue his Dad. He managed to hold himself back before he did it. “But there’s still one thing I can do for you.”

Without warning, Pink Diamond’s giant hand grabbed Greg as if he was a glass of water. Then she moved her free hand, which started glowing, and a series of glowing pink platforms appeared, each floating a little over the other, forming stairs leading to a huge pink ship in the shape of a pair of legs, that Steven hadn’t noticed before, as he was distracted by Pink Diamond herself.

The Diamond climbed the stairs, followed closely by her Pearl, and as soon as the two gems entered the ship, the platforms disappeared, and the legs jumped high, taking off to the sky.

* * *

Steven had a bad feeling about that room the moment the door closed behind him and his Dad, even before he noticed the gem bubbles.

There were tons of them. Much more than there were in the burning room of the temple. The gems inside them were in all sorts of colors, but had all the same cut. A very familiar cut, Steven thought as he looked down at his right palm.

They were just like one of his own gems, the one he inherited from Sapphire.

A couple of tears fell from his eyes, and he needed a moment to realize they weren’t his own. He grabbed his Dad’s hand and pulled him behind a pillar just as Pink Diamond entered the room, followed by her Pearl.

As the Pearl closed the door, all Steven could think was how that was the last place where he wanted to be.

The door opened again, revealing Yellow Diamond. Steven bit his lip. This was no good. He needed to get out immediately.

“Please tell me you’re joking. You only just left, and you’re already back?”

“Yellow.” Pink Diamond said, not turning to her fellow Diamond. She instead looked at the bubbles floating. “You followed me. Again.”

Steven felt her anger, but it was a tired anger. Like they had had this argument many times before. Like she was about to stop fighting.

“I have to keep an eye on you, in case you decide to do anything foolish.” Yellow Diamond said.

“My foolishness will hardly affect you.” Pink Diamond said, bitter. “Just leave me alone.”

Yellow Diamond frowned. “Can we talk like rational beings for a second?” She said, voice harsh. Steven realized she too seemed affected by Pink Diamond’s anger like he was.

Pink Diamond seemed to understand what she meant, because in a moment all the feelings that didn’t belong to Steven were gone from his mind. _So it is something she does…_

“Much better.” Yellow Diamond said, in a much more serene tone. She took a few steps towards Pink Diamond, and followed her gaze to the bubbles. “They are still here? I thought we had all agreed the Sapphires' future vision was a power too dangerous for any common gem to have.”

“We did. They are contained.” Pink Diamond said, voice hollow.

“Containing them isn’t enough!” Yellow Diamond sighed. “This whole mess is all a Sapphire’s fault, you know.”

Hurt. Steven felt that something in her words hurt Pink Diamond, but he couldn’t be sure of what.

“Some of these were hers.” Pink Diamond said, taking a bubble with a blue Sapphire, much like the one that was a part of Steven’s Mom.

“One of them _shattered_ her!” Yellow Diamond exclaimed.

A tear fell from Pink Diamond’s eye. Steven wiped it out from his own, as his Dad watched him worried.

“Do you think this is what she would want?” Pink Diamond asked.

“It doesn’t matter what she would want, she is gone!” Yellow Diamond shouted. “And all we can do is learn from her mistakes so that a fiasco like that will never happen again. These gems are dangerous.” She pointed to the bubbles floating above them. “The soldiers you insist on keeping around are all defective and this place is useless! Why don’t we just get rid of it all already?”

Pink Diamond felt each sentence like a stab, and Steven felt an impulse to argue too. It just hurt so much, and added to all the pain Pink Diamond was giving him were his own feelings of worry for the humans trapped there and the Quartzes Amethyst made friends with, and even all those Sapphires he never met.

“Indigo used to love this place!” Pink Diamond cried. “She made those soldiers! Don’t you have any feelings?”

Yellow Diamond wiped a tear. “I do. But you are too sentimental for your own good.”

Pink Diamond opened her mouth to argue, but instead only sobbed. Steven couldn’t see right with all the tears.

“This is all we have left of her. The place she loved, the gems she made, and… Earth.”

“Earth.” Yellow Diamond wiped more tears from her eyes. “Look at yourself, Pink! You became a mess!”

Pink Diamond stopped crying for a moment and did take a look at herself. She seemed to turn off her power too. Steven used the chance to pull his Dad to another pillar, as none of the Diamonds were looking at their direction.

“In case you have forgotten there is an empire out there that _we_ have to lead!” Yellow Diamond continued. “You have been mourning for thousands of years. Isn’t it past time you got over it?”

“I can’t! When Indigo was shattered, I felt like a part of me was too! Don’t you feel the same way?”

“Just every time you keep your aura unchecked.” Yellow Diamond mumbled. “The Earth will soon be destroyed by the cluster. Then we will just need to deal with these,” she pointed to the bubbles, “to be sure that all the ones who did this to her will have paid.”

“And then what?” Pink Diamond asked, voice broken.

Yellow Diamond closed the distance between and put an arm around Pink Diamond’s shoulder.

“Then we move on.”

“I don’t think I can.” Pink Diamond lowered her eyes.

Yellow Diamond sighed. “I miss her too. Every day. But we have a job to do. I can’t stand seeing what you’re doing to yourself.”

Pink Diamond shook her head.

“I can’t stand losing you too.” Yellow Diamond added, in a lower voice.

The scene was interrupted by a door opening. Steven looked up at his Dad as they both realized the same thing: this could be their only chance of leaving that room. Luckily they were not very far from it.

Standing in front of the Diamonds were the pink Agate from earlier, Holly Blue and Pearl.

“That will be all, Pearl.” The pink Agate clapped. The more time Steven spent near her, the more he understood why his mother started the Rebellion. “My Diamond. My gracious, wondrous, luminous, lustrous Diamond…sss?” Her eyes doubled in size as she noticed the two of them were there. “Oh, my! It’s truly an honor to bask in your radiance…ses?”

“Get to the point, Agate.” Yellow Diamond said, clearly annoyed at the interruption.

The pink Agate cleared her throat. “Yes, of course. My deepest apologies. I came to inform that this Agate has brought a special gift for my Diamond.”

Only then the two Diamonds turned to look at the small group, their eyes stopping at Holly Blue.

“A blue Agate?” Pink Diamond asked, suspicion all over her face. Yellow Diamond watched her carefully.

Steven felt his hands getting sweaty. Back on the ship, Holly Blue had said her color could make her stand out, but Pink Diamond was a rather eccentric Diamond and she had so many gems no one could keep track of them all, so it was only matter of choosing the right words. But that was before they knew that Pink Diamond could be there herself. Could she keep her cover?

Holly Blue saluted and bowed her head slightly. “Yes, my glorious and brilliant Diamond. It’s an honor to be in your service. To express once again my gratitude towards you, o Radiant One, and to help keep Indigo Diamond’s legacy alive, I brought you a special gift: a human from Earth!”

Steven was impressed. Holly Blue didn’t sound like herself at all as she spoke. She probably still remembered well how to speak to the Diamonds from her time serving them. Or at least he hoped she did well.

Pink Diamond was thoughtful for a moment. “I suppose it’s for the best. But you acted without reporting and without permission. This shouldn’t happen again.”

Holly Blue bowed her head again. “As you wish, my Diamond.”

“That will be all.” Two claps.

Pink Diamond turned her attention back to the bubbles, and Yellow Diamond turned hers to Pink Diamond. The pink Agate turned around, clearly expecting Pearl to close the door. Steven made eye contact with Holly Blue, who signaled for him and his Dad to use that chance to leave the room. Steven didn’t need to be told twice.

He would rather never have to be in the same room as Pink Diamond again.

* * *

“I don’t have any blue Agate.” Pink Diamond said. “I don’t have any blue gem outside of this Zoo.”

“Then why didn’t you detain her for interrogation?” Yellow Diamond asked.

Pink Diamond shook her head. “I want to know how many of them there are. Do you think you can put whatever you use to track me in her ship?”

Yellow Diamond gave the order to her Pearl. She didn’t think this was necessary, as she had a big suspicion of where this Diamond-less Agate could have come from.

* * *

Steven felt his confidence shaking as the two huge Diamonds warped into the room. They were just as intimidating as he remembered. If looks could kill, Yellow Diamond would already be rid of Steven the moment she opened her eyes, pure hatred visible in them. Pink Diamond also looked furious, despite the sadness in her eyes and the heavy bags under them.

“Is _that_ the accused?” Pink Diamond asked.

“That’s the infamous fusion?” Yellow Diamond asked. “She is even more hideous than we were told! And she dares to remain fused in our presence? We should shatter her already for this insolence.”

Steven sweated. It was not like he could just unfuse. Not that he had any hope of getting away from this unpunished, the whole point of surrendering was to get whatever punishment the Diamonds reserved for his Mom already so they would leave Earth alone.

But just because he chose to do this, and he knew it to be the right thing, it didn’t mean he wasn’t scared.

“No.” Pink Diamond said, her voice cold. “I want to hear her make her case. I want to know what she thinks we’re going to do with her. Because I want to do something _worse_.”

Yeah, there was no escaping this.

The gem in charge of accusing had an easy job. She told the facts everyone in the room already knew, showed up Lars (and no one would listen to Steven as he begged them to let him go), and called her witness: Eyeball. Steven was glad to see she was fine, but he also almost regretted trying to help her because she was being awful to him. He was part Ruby too, where was the solidarity?

Then it was the turn of the defense to speak, and Zircon, the pink gem that acted as his lawyer, fumbled with her words trying to find any positive thing to say about him. Steven felt bad for her. This case was lost even before it started.

“I did it!” He shouted, wanting to spare her the trouble.

“Wait!” She shouted, trying to stop him.

Lars also shouted something, but Steven couldn’t understand it with the bubble muffling his voice.

“No. I want to hear what she has to say.” Pink Diamond said. With a move of her hand the section of the floor where Steven was standing raised, until he was in front of her face.

She was much bigger this close. Much scarier, too. Steven needed to shield his eyes for a moment, from the sudden light, exposing his gems to her gaze. Her eyebrows lowered. Steven just hoped she wouldn’t do that transmitting her emotions thing again.

“State your name for the record, please!” Yellow Diamond’s Pearl said.

“St- _Garnet_.” Yellow Diamond rolled her eyes. “And I am guilty.”

He heard Zircon complaining down there. Yellow Diamond was shocked by his boldness. Pink Diamond just glared at him.

“Everything you are saying about me is true.” Steven continued. “I am a criminal. I am sorry. I’ll accept any punishment you want to give me. Just let him go!” He pointed to Lars. “And leave the Earth alone. Please.”

“Ha! Sounds like a solid confession to me!” Yellow Diamond said, smiling. One would think she was talking about her plans for the weekend and not a person’s (and a planet’s) fate.

“How?” Pink Diamond asked, her voice low. “How did you shatter her?”

“Uh…” Steven never heard the details of it, nor did he want to, so he tried to quickly put together all he knew. “It was on Earth. In front of Indigo Diamond’s palanquin. I was probably like, ‘Stop!’, and she was all like, ‘No!’, so I think we fought. And I guess she did some cool moves, and I probably did some cool moves too, like some strong punches and stuff.”

Both Diamonds were glaring at him, which he supposed was a good sign. They shouldn’t really be happy about this. Pink Diamond was still not using her emotional powers, so that was good. He continued.

“But I was most likely deeply conflicted about deciding to shatter her. Definitely crying.” Or maybe that was just his wishful thinking. No, his Mom cared for all life. That couldn’t have been an easy choice. “So I hit her…” Where was Indigo Diamond’s gem located? He took a quick look at the other Diamonds. Their gems reminded him of arrows. Pink Diamond’s pointed up, Yellow Diamond’s pointed to her right. The yellow diamond in Homeworld’s symbol was on the right side. The indigo one was on the left side. “I hit her chest, probably with the Breaking Point-”

That was the wrong thing to say. Steven was immediately hit by a wave of self-hate, as Pink Diamond cried of rage.

“It was a sword!” She shouted. “Is this a joke to you? Breaking Point? Chest? What is this nonsense?”

Yellow Diamond placed a hand on her back.

“Shatter her already.” Pink Diamond whispered.

Steven shivered.

“We shall take a short recess.” Yellow Diamond told the room in a commanding voice.

Steven was soon back to the empty room with Zircon. She scolded him for speaking as he did, but after he told her he didn’t know how it happened, she started looking at her files again with a focused expression. He could hear her mumbling a few sentences now and then.

He couldn’t pay a lot of attention to her, though. He kept remembering the self-hate he felt when Pink Diamond heard his messy attempt at a story. He wondered if at that moment she hated him or herself. Indigo Diamond was really someone very dear to her. Steven felt bad that he couldn’t give her the answers that she needed.

A door opened as they were called back into the trial room.

**Author's Note:**

> So, did you all like it? Please let me know!
> 
> I wanted Pink to be as close to her canon self as she could be, while having the sort of attitudes fitting the roleswap. Compared to canon!Blue, she is more angry than sad, so I wanted her emotional powers to show it.
> 
> Steven experiences Pink’s powers differently than Indigo (and all other gems) did. Though humans are not affected by Pink’s aura, Steven being half human ends up actually being more vulnerable to it because of his high empathy. However he also has a much better relationship with feelings than any other gem in the universe (despite having his own issues; when it comes to gems and feelings we all know the bar is pretty low), so instead of just feeling bad when Pink feels bad, he manages to get some insight on what she is thinking. This is not logic, it’s emotional maturity, and maybe it’s a secret tool that will help us later...
> 
> With all those Zoo arc scenes I almost put Holly Blue’s meeting with her past here, but I figured out it would be better to have it in a separate story. So far the structure of this fic series is based on themes rather than chronological order, I don’t see why change it now.
> 
> Check the AU’s [tumblr](http://indigodiamondau.tumblr.com/) for some visual spoilers and feel free to send any questions or comments there too!


End file.
